


Only Shooting Stars Break the Mold

by orphan_account



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: M/M, Shrek AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-25
Updated: 2012-12-25
Packaged: 2017-11-22 08:14:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/607720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Once upon a time there was a lovely prince. He had an enchantment upon him of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. He was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing Dragon called Ray. Many brave knights had attempted to free him from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. He waited in Ray's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for his true love and true love's first kiss... Like that's ever gonna happen. What a load of shit.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Only Shooting Stars Break the Mold

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by a prompt on everythingsfrerardnothinghurts.tumblr

Once upon a time there was a lovely prince. He had an enchantment upon him of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. He was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing Dragon called Ray. Many brave knights had attempted to free him from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. He waited in Ray's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for his true love and true love's first kiss... Like that's ever gonna happen. What a load of shit.

Deep in the woods, peasants gathered with pitchforks, and torches. “All right. Let's get it!” One of the men said, whispering back to the rest of the town-folk.

“Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?” A fearful young man said, eyes flicking back and forth.

“Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.” Another man said, lighting his face up with a torch, the embers flickering in the night giving an eerie feel to the already spooky atmosphere.

Frank sneaks up behind them and laughs. His large ogre arms speckled in tattoos on a bed of green skin. “Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.” Frank waved his hands in the air, lifting his arms up to waft the putrid smell from his armpits into the faces of the peasants.

“No!” One of the men shook in disbelieving fear.

Frank took a step forward, his voice menacing, “They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!” Bringing a finger to his chin Frank nodded to himself, “Actually, it's quite good on toast.”

“Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!” An old man shouted waving his torch at Frank, lighting his face up, the orange of the flame contrasting with the green on his cheeks, and the hazel of his eyes. The light reflected off his nose and lip piercings, looking menacing next to the shine of his teeth. Frank calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The men shrink back away from him. Frank roars very loudly and long and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the men are in the dark.

“This is the part where you run away.” The men scramble to get away. While Frank laughs. “And stay out!” he looks down and picks up a piece of paper and reads aloud "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."He sighs and throws the paper over his shoulder.

Frank was a fucking vegetarian, even the thought of eating the people of the town made him cringe. Though, Frank wasn't going to tell anyone that. If word got out that he wasn't the man-eating ogre everyone thought him of, how was he going to scare everyone away? Frank liked peace and quite. Nothing better.

 

The very next day a line of fairy tale creatures were chained and held captive by peasants, deep in the woods queueing towards a table set up. At the table sat the head of the guard paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures to him. There are cages all around, some holding goblins, some hobbits, faries, whitches, the list is endless. 

Bertr Pan was next in line, carrying Tinkerbell in a cage. Then Gipetto who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three little pigs.

As soon as a new cage is full a guard would shout, “All right. This one's full. Take it away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!” Followed by a bellowing “Next!” for the queue to shuffle forwards again.

A guard takes a witch's broom, “Give me that! Your flying days are over.!” then continues to break the broom in half. “That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!”

“Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance!” A small donkey pleads to the old woman dragging him to the front of the queue.

“Oh, shut up.” The old woman huffs in annoyance and jerks his rope. This donkey has been nothing but trouble to her.

The head guard looks bored already, and speaks dejectedly to the old woman, “Next! What have you got?”

“Well, I've got a talking Donkey.” The old woman says, tugging on the rope and pulling the donkey into view.

The guard leans forward in his chair slightly, looking down to the Donkey. “Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.”

The old woman smiles at the price in her donkey and looks kindly down to him, “Oh, go ahead, little fella.” The donkey, Mikey's his name, just looks up at them all. He is having none of their shit. The old woman looks flustered, she is losing the guards attention. If only the goddamn donkey would speak, “Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt...” The woman threatens Mikey, raising her hand.

The guard sighs, “That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!” Why do all the crazy people come when its his shift to collect the fairy tale creatures? What did he do wrong in Knight school – ba dum tsh!

“No, no, he talks! He does.” The woman grabs Mikey by the mouth, squeezing his cheeks together, and speaking out the side of her mouth pretending to be the donkey, “I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talking-est damn thing you ever saw.” Mikey looks at her like she is crazy, just like all the guards.

“Get her out of my sight.” The guard shouts, looking around her to the next in the queue

The old woman is fretting at the advancing gaurds, “No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!” The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Bertr Pan's hands, and her cage drops on Mikey's head. He gets sprinkled with fairy dust and he starts to fly.

“Hey! I can fly!” Mikey smiled, looking down at his legs as they trotted through the air. Everyone on the ground looked up in shock, a few repeating “He can fly!” in utter disbelief.

“ He can talk!” The head guard shouted, jumping onto the table to try nd gran one of Mikey's hooves.

“Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking Donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a Donkey fly. Ha, ha!” the pixie dust begins to wear off, and Mikey starts descending, “Uh-oh.” he cries as he hits the ground with a thud.

“Seize him!” A guard points, already in pursuit of the donkey.

Mikey takes of running, shouting over his shoulder, “Mikey out suckers!” Mikey runs and runs and keeps running until he eventually runs into an ogre. Literally. 

The ogre turns around to see who bumped into him. Mikey looks scared for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He quickly hides behind the bug burly mass of green.

“You there. Ogre!” a guard shouts out of breath, coming to stop a good safe distance from the ogre.

By a matter of coincidence, this is the same ogre from earlier in the story, Frank. What Frank wouldn't give for at least one peaceful day. “Aye?” Frank sighed, ignoring the donkey behind him, even though the donkey was uncomfortably close to Frank's ass.

The guard gulped in fear, surprised that the ogre even acknowledged him, “By the order of the Lord of Emo, I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated resettlement facility.”

 

Frank had heard all about this 'Lord of Emo'. Apparently goes by the name of 'Bert McCracken'. Frank smiled to himself despite the threat, “Oh, really? You and what army?”

Frank looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail and runs off. Frank laughs and goes back about his business and begins walking back to his cottage.

“Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back there. Incredible!” Mikey jumps, in his fast pace to keep up with the ogre.

“Are you talkin' to...” Frank begins on his 'The Godfather' impression, only to turns around and notice the donkey has gone, “me?” Frank shrugs and turns back around to see that Mikey is right in front of him. “Whoa!” He leans backwards.

“Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back there? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That was bad-ass dude! It really made me feel good to see that.” Mikey spoke without taking a spare breath.

“Oh, that's great. Really.” Frank said, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly, trying to pass the donkey in his path.

The donkey kept pace with Frank however, “Man, it's good to be free.” Mikey laughed, looking up to Frank with big wide, freaky-ass donkey eyes.

“ Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?” Frank smirked thinking of his new fan and that new book he had waiting for him at home.

Mikey shrugged looking at the ground, “But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself.” As if a flick switched, he went from sad to hyper, “Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the shit out of anybody that crosses us.” Mikey says hopefully, glancing at the Frank's big burly arms covered in tattoos, intimidating as fuck.

Frank turns and regards Mikey for a moment before roaring very loudly in his face.  
“Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time...” Frank covers Mikey's mouth but the donkey continues to talk, so Frank removes his hand. “...then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases leaking out of my butt that day.” Mikey smiles, reminiscing in a memory Frank wished he had kept to himself.

“Why are you following me?” Frank growled, trying to calm his anger.

“I'll tell you why.” Mikey smirked, spinning and jumping in front of Frank's path, and bgan singing “'Cause I'm all alone, There's no one here beside me, My problems have all gone, There's no one to deride me, But you gotta have friends!”

God, if people thought Mikey speaking was the most annoying sound in the world, then they had clearly ever heard him sing, “Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.” Frank spoke in bewilderment that something so small could be so annoying.

Mikey looked hurt, and then another earth splitting grin bloomed on his face, “Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.”

“Listen, little Mikey. Take a look at me. What am I?” Frank sighed looking down at his fat ugly stomach. Frank was the one afraid of getting friends in truth. No one wanted to be friends with an ogre.

Mikey looks all the way up at Frank, “Uh ...really tall?” Mikey looked sheepish.

“No! I'm an ogre! You know. 'Grab your torch and pitchforks.' Doesn't that bother you?” Frank asked, not sure himself whether he wanted this donkey to run from him in fear or become his friend.

“Nope.” Mikey smiled, looking at Frank with complete honesty in his eyes.

“Really?” Frank asked perplexed.

Mikey nodded his head “Really, really.

“Oh.” Frank replied, trying to hide his smile. No matter how annoying this donkey was, he could still be a friend.

“Man, I like you. What's you name?” Mikey smiled.

Frank looked bashful, scratching his neck again, “Uh, Frank.”

“Frank?” Mikey tested out the name, “Well, you know what I like about you, Frank? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Frank. You all right.” They continue walking until they come over a hill and you can see Frank's cottage.”Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?” Mikey said, looking up to his new friend, trying to get something out of him, perhaps agreement.

Frank kept his anger under control as he marched right down the hil towards the cottage, “That would be my home.”

Mikey tried his best god bless him, to try and cover up his mistake. Chasing after Frank and shouting until he reached him, “Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder.” Mikey said as they passed a large rock on the hill, “That is a nice boulder.”

Walking closer to the cottage they passed various signs, portraying Frank's artwork of an ogre, with large writing with 'Warning! Ogre!' and 'Keep Out' on each sign. “I guess you don't entertain much, do you?” Mikey joked, looking at the threatening signs with distaste. Mikey was going to have to change Frank for the better if he wanted to keep him as a friend.

“I like my privacy.” Frank gritted his teeth together, hoping his new friend would catch on that the signs applied to him too.

“You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.” Mikey comments, oblivious to the awkward silence as they stood outside Frank's cottage on the porch. “Can I stay with you?” Mikey asks in excitement.

“Uh, what?” Frank asks, utterly surprised.

Mikey smiled back nevertheless, “Can I stay with you... please?” Smiling and using his best donkey-pout.

“Of course!” Frank exclaimed throwing his arms wide in the best sarcasm he can muster.

“Really?” Mikey asks, jumping all feet from the ground.

Frank's face dropped and he looked Mikey straight in the eyes, “No.”

“Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak,“ pausing Mikey looked Frank up and down, “Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!”

Frank folded his arms across his chest, looking out into the woods and then back towards his front door, “Okay! Okay! But one night only.” Frank was a big softy after all.

“Ah! Thank you!” Mikey exclaims as he runs inside the cottage.

“What are you...?” Frank gapes in horror as Mikey hops up onto a chair. “No! No!”

“This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.” Mikey smiled, trotting in circles on Franks best chair, scuffling up the upholstery.

“Oh!” Frank gasps thinking of the disatser waiting to happen, what had he agreed to.

Mikey was getting comfy, looking up to Frank “Where do, uh, I sleep?” Mikey asked, eyeing up the bedroom door on the opposite corner of the room.

Irritated, Frank points back towards the front door, “Outside!”

Mikey hopped from the chair, his face dropping as he trotted to the door.“Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. Time I go. Good night.” Frank slams the door behind Mikey and sighs, ”I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.” Mikey then broke out into song again, “I'm all alone...there's no one here beside me...”

After a few hours of reading, Frank could finally ignore the fact that a donkey was out in his garden. Frank was finally getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down. His bowl of salad infront of him. The house is all cosy, just how Frank likes it. He is just about to eat his dinner when he notices something is missing. Thinking for a minute, he then reaches a finger into his ear, knowing exactly what would make his meal. He pulls out a lump of earwax and lights his new handmade candle. He begins to eat when he hears a noise. He stands up with a huff.

Frank shouts out to Mikey, “I thought I told you to stay outside.” Frank definitely doesn't want Mikey to know he is a vegetarian, he would tell the whole country surely.

From the window Mikeys head appears, “I am outside.” Mikey asks, confused at Frank's question

There is another noise and Frank turns to find the person that made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns and spots three blind mice on his table.

“Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have?” one mouse said to the other two.

“It's not home, but it'll do just fine.”

Bouncing on a slug in the unwashed salad, another mouse was getting comfy, “What a lovely bed.”

What the fuck? Frank, swooped his hand down on the atble “Got ya.” trying to grab a mouse, but it escapes and lands on his shoulder.

“I found some cheese.” The mouse squeaks, taking a tasty bite out of Frank's ear

“Ow! Fuck!” Frank cursed, swatting up at the mouse. “Enough!” he grabs the three mice by the tail, dangling them to get a closer view, “What are you doing in my house?”  
Frank gets bumped from behind and he drops the mice. “Hey!” he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves with Snow White on the table. “Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.” Frank shouts, growling as he noticed his upturned dinner on the floor.

“Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.” One of the dwarfs say, hand on hip.

“Huh?” Frank marches over to the bedroom and bangs open the door to find the Big Bad Wolf sitting in his bed. 

The wolf just looks at him. “What?” He says with a shrug of his shoulders and a slight lisp.

Less than five minutes later Frank has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging him to the front door, “I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy?” Frank opens the front door to throw the Wolf out and he sees that all the collected Fairy Tale Creatures are on his land. “Oh, no. No! No!”

The three bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc.

“What are you doing in my swamp? Franks shout echoes and everyone falls silent. Gasps are heard all around. The three good fairies hide inside a tent from the booming voice of the ogre. “All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hey! Quickly. Come on!” while Frank is distracted more dwarves run inside his house, “No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.” the dwarves shut the door on him. “Oh! Fuck you!” Frank shouts at the closed door.

Frank turns to look at Mikey, his anger dripping from him, his green skin boiling. Mikey just looks right back up at him, “Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.”

“Oh, gosh, no one invited us.” Pinocchio said, hesitating to come closer.

Frank was seething, “What?”

“We were forced to come here.” Pinocchio's nose wasn't growing and this annoyed Frank even more. He was telling the truth.

Flabbergasted, Frank looked out at the gathering crowd, and then back to the little wooden boy, “By who?”

“Lord of Emo. He huffed and he puffed and he...signed an eviction notice.” Everyone in hearing range nodded in agreement.

With a heavy sigh, Frank looked out and tried to get everyones attention, “All right. Who knows where this Emo guy is?”

Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers. Except for Mikey, “Oh, I do. I know where he is.” Jumping in front of Frank to get his attention.

Frank, still hopeful, looks out to see if anyone else knows the way, “Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?”  
“Me! Me!” Mikey jumped, oblivious to Franks reluctance to pick him.

“Anyone?” Frank pleaded in a last ditch attempt.

“Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!” Mikey was jumping near Frank's eye level by now, and he knew no one else was going to be of any help.

Frank sighed, “Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this emo guy Bert right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!” Frank paused. The crowd going wild at the announcement. “Oh!” Frank turned to Mikey, “You! You're comin' with me.”

“All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Frank and Mikey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!” Walking through the growing crowd, Mikey began singing yet again, “On the road again. Sing it with me, Frank! I can't wait to get on the road again.”

“What did I say about singing?” Frank groaned, rubbing his forehead.

“Can I whistle?” Mikey asked, smiling up to Frank

“No.” Frank said no hesitation.

“Can I hum it?” The annoying little donkey asked.

Frank sighed, “All right, hum it.” He was going to regret that.

Mikey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'.

~

In the nearby city of Duloc, A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord of Emo walks in, ordering “That's enough. He's ready to talk.”

The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down onto a cookie plate. Bert laughs as he walks over to the table. However when he reaches the table we see that it only reaches his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered. Bert McCracken is a short fucker after all!

Bert picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs and plays with them “Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man.

“You are a monster.” The gingerbread spat at Bert.

“I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect Emo world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?”

“Eat me!” He spits milk into Bert's eye.

Bert sighs and wipes at his eye, “I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll...” he makes as if to pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons.

“No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.” The gingerbread man shrieks in horror

Bert lets go of the button, and slams his hands down either side of the plate the gingerbread man is splayed out on. “All right then. Who's hiding them?”

“Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?” The gingerbread man sighs in defeat.

“The muffin man?”

“The muffin man.” Gingerbread man shouts, he has heard this all before.

Bert, can't see where this is going, “Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?”

“Well, he's married to the muffin man.” The gingerbread man shouts.

“The muffin man?” Bert says flabbergasted.

“The muffin man!”

“he's married to the muffin man.” Bert contemplates, scratching his head.

The door opens and the Head Guard walks in, “My lord! We found it.”

Bert looked to the guard, “Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.”

More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet. They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic Mirror.

In awe, the gingerbread man looks up “Ohhhh...”

“Magic mirror...” Bert says with confidence, walking up to the mirror in a guards arms, “Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?”

The mirrors face appeared, a floating face amongst the reflective shiny glass, “Well, technically you're not a king.” Sassy mirror was sassy.

A guard held up a mirror threateningly and smashed it in the magic mirrors line of sight.

“What I mean is you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a prince or princess.” The mirror laughed shaking, unsure if The Lord of Emo was to be trusted.

“So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are!” The Mirror changed to something like a television screen and a young man came up on the screen, “Bachelor number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. He likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. his hobbies include cooking and cleaning for his two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinders.” The screen moves onto another scene, this one with a young woman, “Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, he's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! “ A final picture comes up with a young man in a tower, “And last, but certainly not least, bachelor number three is a fiery redhead from a Dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. He's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, prince Gerard!... So will it be bachelor number one, bachelorette number two or bachelor number three?”

Various guards were shouting out “Two! Two!”, “Three! Three!”, “Two!”

Bert was pacing, rubbing the side of his head, “Three? One? Three?”

“Pick number three, my lord!” a guard shouted.

Bert looked back to the mirror, “Okay, okay, uh, number three!”

“Lord of Emo, you've chosen prince Gerard.

Bert sighed, looking off to nowhere in particular, a dreamy look on his face, “Prince Gerard. he's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go...”

The mirror was reluctant to interrupt, but this was important, “But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.”

“I'll do it!” Bert shouted, ignoring the mirrors protests.

“Yes, but after sunset...”

The Lord of Emo was questioned by no one, and no mirror, “Silence! I will make this prince Gerard my queen, and Duloc will finally have the perfect king!” Turning to a guard, Bert barked out an order, “Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.” Bert clasped his hands together, and begins to smile in his evil emo way.

~

Frank and Mikey had walked all day to finally come out of a field that is right by the car park to Duloc. The castle itself is about 40 stories high.

“That's it right there. That's Duloc. I told ya I'd find it.” Mikey smiles proud of himself.

Frank whistles, looking up at the castle, “So, that must be Lord of Emo's castle.”

“Uh-huh. That's the place.” Mikey agrees, continuing his strut through the cars.

“Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?” He laughs, but then groans as Mikey doesn't get the joke. No one ever gets Penis Bert jokes anymore. He continues walking through the car park.

“Hey, wait. Wait up, Frank.” Mikey shouts, weaving between the paked car park.

“Hey, you!” Frank shouted to the attendant, who was wearing a giant head that looks like Bert. The attendant began screaming and running through the rows of rope to get to the front gate to get away from Frank, “Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just- I just-” Frank sighs and then begins walking straight through the rows. 

The attendant runs into a wall and falls down. Frank and Mikey look at him, shrug, and then continue on into Duloc.

Frank looks confused as they look around but all is quiet, “It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?”

They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the signs marked 'arena'.

~

Lord of Emo is on a balcony over looking the arena. Peasants and snobby folk line the sides of the arena, shouting and whistling down to the show, “Brave knights. You are the best and brightest in all the land. Today one of you shall prove himself...”

As Frank and Mikey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena Mikey is still humming 'On The Road Again' and Frank is getting pissed off with it now, “All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.”

Mikey looks flustered as he looks up apologetically to Gerard, “Sorry about that.”

Bert continues his speech to the crowd, and the several knights in the centre of the arena “That champion shall have the honor- no, no- the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely prince Gerard from the fiery keep of the Dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.” The crowd cheers, “Let the tournament begin!” Bert peers down into the arena to notice Frank and Mikey entering through the tunnel, “Oh! What is that? It's hideous!”

Frank turns to look at Mikey and then back at Bert, “Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a Mikey.” Frank laughs, the crowd looking on with not even a giggle... tough crowd.

Bert smirks to himself, “Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have it him!”

Frank wants nothing better than a nice calm life, sitting by the fire in his cottage, no one around to bother him. Just him, his books, his guitar and his collection of CD's. But that is not what Frank is getting. Instead, a horde of pent-up knights are charging toward him.

With a sigh, Frank danced around the arena, hitting, kicking and flicking the heads of knights as they got close enough to kill him. As Frank begins to fight Mikey hops up onto one of the arena's tabled. It breaks and Mikey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice to say that Frank kicks butt.

A strategically placed boxing ring is in the centre of the arena and Mikey is hoping up and down in the centre. “Hey, Frank, tag me! Tag me!” Mikey shouts. Frank comes over and bangs a man's head up against Mikeys. Frank gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd, “Yeah!”

A man tries to sneak up behind Frank, but Frank turns in time and sees him.

“The chair! Give him the chair!” A woman in the crowd shouts! Frank smahes a chair over the guys back. And the crowd grimace, in awe of the awesome fight.

Finally all the men are down. Mikey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild.

“Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday.” Frank laughs, waving at the crowd in victory.

The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on Frank.

Bert, frowns at the weapons and they are lowered as he calls out to the crowd, “People of Duloc, I give you our champion!”

Frank is confiused, “What the actual fuck?

Bert grinned down at Frank, “Congratulations, ogre. You're won the honour of embarking on a great and noble quest.”

Frank shouted back up at Bert, his anger rising again despite the fighting he just endured. “Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.”

“Your swamp?” Bert questioned, raising an eyebrow at the trial request of the ogre.

“Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairy tale creatures!” Frank shouted back up, pointing his finger at this Emo guy.

Bert smirked and nodded his head, “Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.”

“Exactly the way it was?” Frank questioned, crossing his arms in hope to look more menacing.

“Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.” Bert agreed, hand on heart.

Frank tried not to give away his happiness, “And the squatters?

“As good as gone.” Bert waved.

“What kind of quest?” Frank tilted his head back intrigued. 

~

Mikey and Frank are now walking through the field heading away from Duloc in a new quest. Frank is munching on an onion, skin and all.

“Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight Ray the dragon and rescue a prince just so Emo dude will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right?” Mikey asked in disbelief.

Frank burped around his onion, “You know, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.”

Mikey looked confused, “I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip.”

Frank sighed, he really hated the whole ogre stereotype, “Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?”

“Uh, no, not really, no.” Mikey gulped, looking down at his hooves as he walked.

Frank sighed, feeling guilty for making Mikey feel bad, “For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think.”

“Example?” Mikey questioned, putting Frank's previous behaviour behind them.

Frank smiled down at Mikey, looking at him from the corner of his eyes, “Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions,” Frank holds out his half eaten onion.

Mikey sniffs the onion, “They stink?”

“Yes- No!” Frank shakes his head.

Mikey tried again, “They make you cry?”

“No!”

“You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.” Mikey said, smiling innocently up at Frank.

“No!” Frank Shouted, sighing he continued, “Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers.” Frank heaves a sigh and then walks off.

Mikey trails after Frank, “Oh, you both have layers. Oh.” Mikey sniffs, “you know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.”

Frank isn't one for compromising, “I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes.”

“You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, 'Let's get some parfait,' they say, 'Hell no, I don't like no parfait'? Parfaits are delicious.”

If Frank didn't stop Mikey now, he wouldn't shut up, “No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.”

Mikey had a dreamy look in his eyes, “Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.”

“You know, I think I preferred your humming.” Frank groaned, cleaning his hands on his shirt, and licking his fingers clean.

“Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.” Mikey said, trying to keep up with Frank's faster pace.

They head off. If this was a film, right now there would be a typical montage of their journey. Walking through a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Frank trying to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem, so Mikey pees on the fire to put it out. - That kind of thing.

~

Frank and Mikey are walking up to the keep that's supposed to house prince Gerard. It appears to look like a giant volcano.

 

Mikey sniffs the air, “Ohh! Frank! Did you do that? You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything.” Mikey turns his head away, trying to breath some fresher air but to no avail.

Frank sighs, “Believe me, Mikey, if it was me, you'd be dead.” Frank takes a wiff of the air for himself and nods his head, “It's brimstone. We must be getting close.”

“Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.

They climb up the side of the volcano. There is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks very foreboding.

“Uh, Frank? Uh, remember when you said ogres have layers?” Mikey said, looking up to the castle in front of them in shock.

“Oh, aye.” Frank nods, hands on hips looking out at the bubbling lava.

Mikey coughs and scuffs a hoof in the gravel, “Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. I'm not really a donkey.”

“Wait a second. You're not a donkey?” Frank asks, looking down to Mikey with a huge from on his face.

Mikey laughs, “Well, of course I am a Donkey! But I used to be human, guess thats why I can talk and all that.”

“What the fuck Mikey?” Frank asked. He waited this long to tell him.

“I guess its a bad time to say Gerard is my brother. But now you know so thats okay, lets get going!” Mikey calss, already heading towards the rickety looking bridge which crosses to the castle.  
“What! Mikey, you can't just say that and then walk off! Tell me everything!” Frank growled.

“Well, you know how it is... bitchy woman locks one brother up in a castle and then turns the other brother into a donkey. Just normal family drama. Bit Boring really. And anyway, I never mentioned it before because I didn't know it was prince Gerard my brother that we were saving.”

“How many prince Gerard's do you know that are locked up in a castle guarded by a dragon called Ray?!” Frank asked completely flummoxed.

“Never thought of that, oh well, lets go, I want me a family reunion!” Mikey started off on the bridge, carefully calculating which foot to place where.

When Mikey's legs began to shake, Frank rolled his eyes at him, “You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.”

“No, I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling lake of lava!” Mikey screeched.

“Come on, Mikey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.” Frank spoke, pausing momentarily.

“Really?” Mikey squeaks.

“Really, really.” Frank rolls his eyes again. What had he gotten himself into?

“Okay, that makes me feel so much better.” Mikey sighs, beginning his shuffle forward again.

“Just keep moving. And don't look down.” Frank said, keeping pace behind Mikey.

Mikey began talking to himself, and Frank ignored it, at least for now, “Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down.” Mikey steps through a rotting board and ends up looking straight down into the lava, “Frank! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please!”

Frank wiggled the bridge slightly exasperated, “But you're already halfway.”

“But I know that half is safe!” Mikey whined.

Frank groaned, “Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.”

“Frank, no! Wait!”

“Just, Mikey- Let's have a dance then, shall me?” Frank bounces and sways the bridge.

“Don't do that!” Mikey shouts.

“Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this?” he bounces the bridge again.

Mikey pleads, “Yes, that!”

Frank smirks to himself, “Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.” He continues to bounce and sway as he backs Mikey across the bridge.

Mikey was crying, “No, Frank! No! Stop it!”

“You said do it! I'm doin' it.” Frank giggles.

Mikey was shaking his head, his eyes shut tight as he shuffled backwards, “I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Frank, I'm gonna die.” when Mikey steps onto solid ground, he looks up as if nothing had happened at all, “Oh!”

“That'll do, Mikey. That'll do.” Frank smiles and walks towards the castle past Mikey.

“Cool. So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?” Mikey asks, as if he isn't scared of anything.

“Inside, waiting for us to rescue him.” Frank chuckles.

“I was talkin' about Ray, Frank.” Mikey rolls his eyes this time as he walks next to Frank, “Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a Dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.”

Frank turns to Mikey and whisper-shouts, “Mikey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.”

“Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for Gerard.” Mikey huffs

Frank picks up a helmet from upon a skeleton, and dusts it off before putting it on, “The prince will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.”

“What makes you think he'll be there?” Mikey asks, his head bopping.

“I read it in a book once.” Frank replies walking off.

Mikey watches Frank leave, “Cool. You handle Ray. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.” Mikey is still talking to himself as he looks around an empty room. “I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.”

~

Elsewhere in the castle, Frank spots a light in the tallest tower window, “Well, at least we know where the prince is, but where's the...

~

Mikey gasps and takes off running as the Dragon roars again. 

Frank manages to grab Mikey out of the way just as Ray breathes fire., “Mikey, look out!” he manages to get a hold of Rays tail and holds on, “Got ya!”

Ray gets irritated at this and flicks it's tail and Frank goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the tallest tower. Gerard wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying on the floor.

~

“Oh! Aah! Aah!” Mikey gets cornered as Ray knocks away all but a small part of the bridge he's on. “No. Oh, no, No!” the dragon roars, “Oh, what large teeth you have.” Ray Growls again, “I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else?” Mikey takes one look up to see a bow in the afro of hair on top of the Dragons head, “You're- You're a girl Dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl Ray. You're just reeking of feminine beauty.” Ray begins fluttering him eyes at him, “What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh...” Ray blows a smoke ring in the shape of a heart right at him, and Mikey coughs, “I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smokerin gs. Frank!” Mikey shouts as Ray picks him up with him teeth and carries him off, “No! Frank! Frank! Frank!”

~

Frank groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Gerard so Gerard straightens his dress and lays back down on the bed. he then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off the side table. Gerard then lays back down and appears to be asleep. 

Frank turns and goes over to him. He looks down at Gerard for a moment and Gerard puckers his lips. 

Frank takes him by the shoulders and shakes him away.

“Oh! Oh!” Gerard cries.

“Wake up!” Frank sing songs, shaking Gerard's shoulders with more vigor.

Gerard blinks and coughs out a 'What?'

“Are you prince Gerard?” Frank asks looking hopeful.

Gerard strokes out his dress and looks up at the helmet Frank is hidden behind. “I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.”

“Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!” Frank said, dragging Gerard from his bed.

“But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?” Gerard asked, stroking his bright red hair behind his ear and fluttering his eyes, puckering his lips and dramatically falling into Frank's arms.

“Yeah, sorry, dude. There's no time.” Frank says trying to pull Gerard with him.  
“Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.” Gerard said, stroking his hand on the side of Frank's helmet.

“You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?” Frank smirks under the helmet visor.

Gerard smiles and nods his head, “Mm-hmm.” Frank breaks the lock on his door and pulls him out and down the hallway. ”But we have to savour this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!”

Frank laughed “I don't think so.”

“Can I at least know the name of my champion?” Gerard swooned.

Frank scratched his butt awkwardly, and looked up at Gerard, “Uh, Frank.”

“Sir Frank.” Gerard clears his throat and holds out a handkerchief, “I pray that you take this favour as a token of my gratitude.”

“Thanks!” Frank says, he has needed to get a new hanky for a while now.

Suddenly they hear the Ray roar, Gerard was shocked and in a surprised voice he asks, “You didn't slay Ray?”

Frank was getting pissy, “It's on my to-do list. Now come on!” he takes off running and drags Gerard behind him.

“But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.” Gerard whines.

Frank snorts, “Yeah, right before they burst into flame.”

Gerard frowned at the back of Franks head as he was dragged down the towers staircase, “That's not the point.” Frank suddenly stops and Gerard runs into him. ”Oh!” Frank ignores him and heads for a wooden door off to the side. ”Wait. Where are you going? The exit's over there.”

Frank laughs, “Well, I have to save my ass.”

Gerard looks horified, “What kind of knight are you?”

Frank opens the door into the throne room, “One of a kind.” 

~

“Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me old-fashioned.” Mikey laughs worriedly, “I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this- Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude-” Ray leans forward again and kisses Mikey on the head, “Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards- I'd really love to stay, but- Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission- What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!”

As Mikey was being molested by Ray, Frank grabs a chain that's connected to the chandelier and swings toward Ray. He misses and he swings back again. He looks up and spots that the chandelier is right above the Rays head.  
Frank pulls on the chain and it releases and he falls down and bumps Mikey out of the way right as Ray is about to kiss him again. 

Instead Ray kisses Franks' butt. Ray opens her eyes and roars. Frank lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto her head, but it's too big and it goes over Ray's head and forms a sort of collar for her. She roars again and Frank and Mikey ake off running. Very 'Matrix' style. 

Frank grabs Mikey and then grabs prince Gerard as he runs past him.

“Hi, Gerard!” Mikey says, from one of Frank's arms to the other where Gerard dangles as Frank runs.

“Mikey?” Gerard asks looking at his long lost donkey brother.

Frank is breathing heavily as Ray chases after them, “Yeah, it's a heart-warming reunion, now shut up or I will drop both your asses.”

They all start screaming as Ray gains on them. Frank spots a descending slide and jumps on. But unfortunately there is a crack in the stone and it hits Frank right in the groin. His eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide he stumbles  
off and walks lightly. “Oh! Fuck!” Frank gets them close to the exit and sets down Mikey and Gerard. “Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of Ray.”

Frank grabs a sword and heads back toward the interior of the castle. He throws the sword down in between several overlapping chain links. The chain links that are attached to the chandelier that is still around the Rays neck.

Then they all take off running for the exit with Ray in hot pursuit. They make it to the bridge and head across. Ray breathes fire and the bridge begins to burn. They all hang on for dear life as the ropes holding the bridge up collapse. They are swung to the other side. 

As they hang upside down they look in horror as Ray makes to fly over the boiling lava to get them. But suddenly the chandelier with the chain jerk Ray back and he's unable to get to them. 

The gang climbs quickly to safety as Ray looks angry and then gives a sad whimper as he watches Mikey walk away.

~

You did it! You rescued me! You're amazing. You're- You're wonderful. You're...” Gerard turns to see Frank fall down the hill and bump into Mikey, “a little unorthodox I'll admit. But thy deed is great, and thy heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.” Mikey clears his throat, “And where would a brave knight be without my brother? The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.”

“Uh, no.” Frank blushed from under the helmet.

Gerard put his hands on his hips and frowned up at Frank, “Why not?”

Frank searched his brain for any excuse, any excuse at all which would conceal the fact that he is an ogre to prince Gerard, “I have helmet hair.” Ha Ha, good one Frank.

“Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.” Gerard cooed, eyes fluttering as he looked over Franks broad chest to try and peak through the charred helmet.

“No, no, you wouldn't-st.” Frank giggled at the old english term

Gerard fluttered his eyes, resting a hand against Frank's chest and biting his lip, “But how will you kiss me?”

“What?” Frank said flustered, turning to Mikey, “That wasn't in the job description.”

“You have my blessing man,” Mikey nodded, awkwardly turning around to look back up at the volcano they just walked down.

Gerard swooned, falling into Franks ambrace and looking up at him with submissive eyes, “No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A prince locked in a tower and beset by a Dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.”

Mikey laughs, “Hmm? With Frank? You think- Wait. Wait. You think that Frank is you true love?”

Gerard frowns at his brother, “Well, yes.”

Both Mikey and Frank burst out laughing, “You think Frank is your true love!” Mikey wheezes out through his laughter.

“What is so funny?” Gerard demands, resuming the hands-on-hips-postion.

Frank smirks down at Gerard, “Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?”

Gerard frowns, “Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Is it the dress? I only wear it sometimes, it makes me feel free... Now- Now remove your helmet.” Gerard stuttered.

“Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.” Franks smile fading to sadness from under the helmet visor. Gerard would be disgusted in an ogre like him, no matter if he had saved him from a dragon guarded castle.

“Just take off the helmet.” Gerard demanded stomping his foot and frowning at Frank.

“I'm not going to.” Frank folded his arms.

Gerard stomped his foot again, “Take it off. Now!”

Frank flinched from her barking order, and reached up to the helmet. “Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. 

Gerard stepped back several paces, the look of shock clear on his face, “You- You're a- an ogre.” Gerard stuttered out.

Frank laughed without humour, “Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.”

 

Gerard tried to cover his shock, “Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an ogre.”

Frank stepped forward, dropping the helmet to the floor, “Prince, I was sent to rescue you by Lord of Emo, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.” Frank starred at the floor, pushing back the thought that no one would want to marry himself.

“Then why didn't he come rescue me?” Gerard asked, nearly at the point of tears himself.

Frank sniffed, wiping his nose on the back of this sleeve, “Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.”

“But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some ogre and my brother.” Gerard scoffed, turning to Mikey, “No offence Mikey.”

“None taken,” Mikey replied.

Frank sighed rubbing soot off his forehead, “You're not making my job any easier.”

Gerard flicked his hair off his face, “I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord of Emo that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.” To make a point of his statement, Gerard say down on the ground right where he was standing.

“Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.” Frank swiftly picks Gerard up and swings him over his shoulder like he was a sack of potatoes.

Gerard shrieked, “You wouldn't dare. Put me down!”

Frank looked back to his friend, “Ya comin', Mikey?”

“I'm right behind ya.” Mikey nodded, trotting behind them.

“Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!” Gerard whined, hitting Frank's back continuously.

~

A little time has passed and Gerard has calmed down. he just hangs there limply while Frank carries him.

“Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?” Mikey muses, looking at both Frank and Gerard for any answer they could have.

“You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knows what happens when you find your...” Frank drops Gerard on the ground, “Hey! The sooner we get to Duloc the better.” Gerard huffed his bangs away and dusted off his dress.

“You're gonna love it there, Gerard. It's beautiful!” Mikey smiled, trotting around them both happily.

“And what of my groom-to-be? Lord of Emo? What's he like?” Gerard asked, looking dreamily at Frank and Mikey.

“Let me put it this way, Gee.” Frank used the first nickname that came to him, “Men of Bert' stature are in short supply.” both Frank and Mikey laughed. Frank clutching his stomach.

Frank then walks to the river and proceeds to splash water onto his face to wash off the dust and grime.

“I don't know. There are those who think little of him.” that sets them off laughing again. 

“Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord of Emo.” Gerard said, crossing his arms and turning his nose up at them.

“Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Gee. But I'll let you do the 'measuring' when you see him tomorrow.” Frank was being immature and he knew it, but Gerard was bitchy so why should he be nice back?

Gerard looks at the setting sun and gulps, “Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?”

Frank groans and shakes his head, “No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.”

Gerard walked up to Frank and grabbed his arm, “But there's robbers in the woods.”

Mikey smiled walking over to his brother, “Whoa! Time out, Frank! Camp is starting to sound good.

Frank puffed out his chest and looked over to the brothers, “Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.

Gerard shook his head and began looking around, “I need to find somewhere to camp now!” he shouted. Both Mikey and Frank's ears lower as they shrink away from him.

~ 

Frank has found a cave that appears to be in good order. He shoves a stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave, “Hey! Over here.” he calls.

“Frank, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a prince”. Mikey frowned looking at the cave.  
Frank frowned with a hand on his hip, “Well you're a prince too and you've slept in worse places!”

Mikey sighed and forced Frank to look over to Gerard, “I meant. It's not fit for a prince like Gerard.” Looking over to Gerard, Frank could see what Mikey meant. Gerard wasn't the burly type, and as he stood twisting his fingers through his hair and smoothing the creases from his dress, Frank felt guilty for even thinking a cave would be suitable for someone like Gerard.

“No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.” Gerard smiled coming over and patting Frank on the chest.

“Homey touches?” Frank frowned, “Like what?” he hears a tearing noise and looks over at Gerard who has torn the bark off of a tree.

“A door?” Gerard smiles, “Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.” Gerard calls as he goes into the cave and puts the bark door up behind him.

“You want me to read you a bedtime story like the old days? I will.” Mikey offered walking up the the door.

“I said good night!” Gerard shouts back.

Frank looks at Mikey for a second and then goes to move the boulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with Gerard still inside.

“Frank, What are you doing?” Mikey whisper-shrieks.

Frank laughs, “I just- You know- Oh, come on. I was just kidding.”

Later that night, Frank and Mikey are sitting around a campfire. They are staring up into the sky as Frank points out certain star constellations to Mikey. “And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields.”

Mikey nods quickly, “Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?”

Frank sighs, “The stars don't tell the future, Mikey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.”

Mikey sighs now, “I know you're making this up.”

“No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.” Frank pointed out into the sky, tracing lines and waving his tattooed hands back and forth.

“That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.” Mikey huffed, rolling over onto his front to frown at Frank.

Frank leaned up on his arm to look at him, “You know, Mikey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.” Frank rolled back to look back up to the sky.

Mikey heaves a big sigh, “Hey, Frank, what =we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?”  
“Our swamp?” Frank asks with humour.

Mikey thinks Frank forgets too much, “You know, when we're through rescuing Gerard.” Mikey says in a 'duh!' kinda way.

“We?” Frank laughs, “Mikey, there's no 'we'. There's no 'our'. There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land.”

Mikey frowns at Frank, “You cut me deep, Frank. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.”

“No, do ya think?” Franks sarcasm deep and cynical.

Mikey smiled, “Are you hidin' something?”

Frank sighed rolling over away from Mikey, “Never mind, Mikey.”

“Oh, this is another one of those onion hings, isn't it?” Frank could practically hear the gears turning in Mikey's mind.

“No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.” Frank sighed, trying to get comfortable with his head on a rock.

“Why don't you want to talk about it?” Mikey pestered.

“Why do you want to talk about it?” Frank snapped back.

“Why are you blocking?”

“I'm not blocking.”

“Oh, yes, you are.” Mikey giggled.

“Mikey, I'm warning you.” Franks patience wearing thin

“Who you trying to keep out?” Mikey poked his back with a hoof.

“Everyone! Okay?” Frank shouted, frowning into the night. No one loved him, no one was ever going to love him. He was an ugly ogre that even ogre's would laugh about.

Mikey pauses, contemplating Frank's answer, “Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.”

At this point Gerard pulls the 'door' away from the entrance to the cave and peaks out. Neither of the guys see him.

“Oh! For the love of Pete!” Frank growls and gets up and walks over to the edge of the cliff and sits down.

“What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?” Mikey asks, rocking his head back and forth and pouting his lips.

“Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. 'Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!' They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.” Frank let a tear slip, wiping it before even the night would notice.

“You know what?” Mikey spoke softly, “When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre.”

“Yeah, I know.” Frank smiled.

“So, uh, are there any Donkeys called Mikey up there?” Pointing to the sky, watching the starts twinkle.

“Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.” Frank laughed, pointing out a constellation.

“Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?” Mikey smiled up into the night.

Gerard puts the door back, just as Frank sighs and shakes his head at Mikey, “That's the moon.”

~

In Duloc - Bert's Bedroom is covered in a lot of wedding stuff. Soft music plays in the background. Bert is in bed, watching as the Magic Mirror shows him prince Gerard, “Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show him to me. Show me the prince.”

The mirror harrumphs as it rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning.

“Ah. Perfect.” Bert looks down at his bare chest and pulls the sheet up to cover himself as though Gerard could see him as he gazes sheepishly at him image in the mirror.

~

Gerard walks out of the cave. he glances at Frank and Mikey who are still sleeping, and wanders off into the woods and comes across a blue bird. he begins to sing. The bird sings along with him. Gerard hits higher and higher notes and the bird struggles to keep up with him. Suddenly the pressure of the note is too big and the bird explodes.  
Gerard looks a little sheepish, but he eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. 

A few minutes later, Gerard is now cooking the eggs for breakfast. Frank and Mikey are still sleeping. When Frank wakes up and looks at Gerard. Mikey's talking in his sleep, “Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. Come on, baby. I said I like it.”  
Frank bluses and shakes Mikey's shoulder, “Mikey, wake up.”

“Huh? What?” Mikey slurrs, sitting up and blinking rapidly.

Frank whispers again, “Wake up.”

“What?” Mikey stretches and yawns, looking over to Gerard cooking.

“Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?” Gerard smiled, looking over to Frank, blushing before looking away.

“Oh, good morning, Gerard!” Mikey yawns again, trotting his way over to Gerard.

Gerard gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them.

“What's all this about?” Frank asks suspiciously.

Gerard blushes again and looks down at his hands, “You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.”

“Uh, thanks, but I erm, I can't eat this, I-” Frank didn't want to be seen as a tame ogre, but he didn't want to hurt Gerard's feelings, “I erm, am, a vegetarian... sorry.” Frank looked down, ashamed. What type of ogre was he?

Mikey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips, eating both eggs himself if Frank wasn't going to eat any.

To his shock, neither Mikey or Gerard commented on his 'lifestyle choice', Gerard gathering handfuls of edible berries and leaves for them to share, and he felt so lucky to even come across these brothers.

Later that day they are once again on their way. They are walking through the orest. 

Frank belches. Only to have Mikey reprimand him. “What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say.” Frank laughs to himself and continues walking forward.

“Well, it's no way to behave in front of a prince like Gerard.” Mikey frowns in disaproval.

Gerard belches, only to have Mikey huff out, “He's as nasty as you are.” to Frank.

Frank chuckles and looks at Gerard, “You know, you're not exactly what I expected.”

Gerard is shy as he looks back at Frank, “Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.” he smiles and then continues walking, singing softly. 

Suddenly from out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Gerard up into a tree.

“Gerard!” Frank shouts, looking up to the tree to notice Robin Hood grabbing hold of Gerard in inappropriate places.

“Be still, mon chimie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green...” Robin Hood kisses up Gerards arm while he pulls back in disgust, ”...beast.”

“Hey! That's my prince! Go find you own!” Frank shouts up into the trees, his thick Jersey accent coming out.

Robin Hood's dirty hands roamed over Gerard's body, “Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?”

Gerard rolled his eyes, getting fed up, “Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!”  
Robin Hood looks stricken, “Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men.” Robin Hood laughs off into the trees.

Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the Merry men pop out from the bushes. They begin to sing Robin's theme song.

“Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo,  
I steal from the rich and give to the needy,  
He takes a wee percentage,  
But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty  
damsels, man, I'm good.  
What a guy, Monsieur Hood.  
Break it down. I like an honest fight  
and a saucy little maid...  
What he's basically saying is he likes  
to get...  
Paid. So...When an ogre in the bush  
grabs a lady by the tush. That's bad.  
That's bad.  
When a beauty's with a beast it makes  
me awfully mad.  
He's mad, he's really, really mad.  
I'll take my blade and ram it through  
your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys  
'cause I'm about to start...”

There is a grunt as Gerard swings down from the tree limb and knocks Robin Hood unconscious, “Man, that was annoying!”

Frank looks at Gerard in admiration. An arrow flies toward Mikey who jumps into Frank's arms to get out of the way. The arrow proceeds to just bounce off a tree.

Another fight sequence begins and Gerard gives a karate yell and then proceeds to beat the crap out of the Merry Men. There is a very interesting 'Matrix' moment here when Gerard pauses in mid-air to fix his hair. 

Finally all of the Merry Men are down, nd Gerard begins walking away, “Uh, shall we?”

“Hold the phone.” Frank says in awe, he drops Mikey and begins walking after Gerard, “Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?”

“What?” Gerard blushes, and twirls a finger in his hair.

“That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?” Frank asks, grabbing one of Gerard's hands and looking at him, eyes wide.

“Well...” Gerard laughs, “when one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a...”Gerard gasps and points behind Frank, “there's an arrow in your butt!”

“What?” Frank asks, shaking his head and turning to looks, “Oh, would you look at that?” Frank goes to pull it out but flinches because it's tender.

“Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.” Gerard frets, arms, stroking Franks arm and chest.

Mikey walks up from where Frank dropped him, “Why? What's wrong?”

“Frank's hurt.” Gerard worries.

This gets Mikey worrying, “Frank's hurt. Frank's hurt? Oh, no, Frank's gonna die.”

Frank sighs and looks Mikey in the eyes, “Mikey, I'm okay.”

“You can't do this to me, Frank. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?” Mikey paced.

Gerard shouted to get his attention, “Mikey! Calm down. If you want to help Frank, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.”

“Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Frank. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!” Mikey shouted, walking through the trees to find the flower.

“What are the flowers for?” Frank asks, looking up to Gerard from the position Frank was kneeling on the floor.

Gerard blushed and looked away from Frank's eyes, “For getting rid of Mikey.Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.”

Gerard gives the arrow a little pull and Frank jumps away, “Ow! Fuck! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.”

“I'm sorry, but it has to come out.” Gerard frowned apologetically.

Frank whined, “No, it's tender.”

“Now, hold on.” Gerard spoke soothingly.

“What you're doing is the opposite of help.” Frank spoke, frowning at the floor

Gerard sighed, “Don't move.”

“Look, time out.” Frank pleaded.

“Would you...” Gerard grunts as Frank puts his hand over Gerard's face to stop him from getting at the arrow, “Okay. What do you propose we do?”

 

“Hold on, Frank! I'm comin'!” Mikey shouts as he rips a flower off a nearby bush that just happens to be a blue flower with red thorns. Its hard if you're colour blind okay?

 

“Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.” Gerard winces as Frank grunts as he pulls, “It's just about...”  
“Ow! Ohh! Fuck!” Frank jerks and manages to fall over with Gerard on top of him.

“Ahem.” Mikey coughs, looking between Frank and Gerard with his eyebrows raised.

Frank throws Gerard off of him, looking back up to Mikey, “Nothing happend. We were just, uh-”

Mikey looks on the verge of tears “Look, if you wanted to be alone,” his voice quiverring, “ all you had to do was ask. Okay?”

“Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The prince here was just-” Gerard pulls the arrow out, ”Ugh!” Frank turns to look at Gerard who holds up the arrow with a smile, “Ow!”

“Hey, what's that?” Mikey has a nervous chuckle, “That's...is that blood?”Mikey faints. Frank walks over and picks him up as they continue on their way.

Maybe it would be time for another montage scene right about now as the group heads back to Duloc. Frank crawling up to the top of a tree to make it fall over a small brook so that Gerard won't get wet. Frank then gets up as Mikey is just about to cross the tree and the tree swings back into it's upright position and Mikey flies off. Frank catching a toad and blowing it up like a balloon and presenting it to Gerard. Gerard catching a snake, blowing it up, fashioning it into a balloon animal and presenting it to Frank. The group arriving at a windmill that is near Duloc.

“There it is, Gerard. Your future awaits you.” Frank sweeps his arm out to Duloc in the distance, sad that he will have to let Gerard go.

“That's Duloc?” Gerard asks, grasping Franks arm and looking into the distance.

“Yeah, I know. You know, Frank thinks Lord Bert's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really... “ Frank steps on Mikey's hoof to shut him up, “Ow!”

“Um, I, uh- guess we better move on.” Frank says, awkwardly sctatching the back of his neck as he looks at how beautiful Gerard is.

“Sure. But, Frank? I'm- I'm worried about Mikey.” Gerard blushes, looking over to the Donkey.

“What?” Frank asks, looking over at Mikey and noticing nothing different.

Gerard coughes, “I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.”

“What are you talking about? I'm fine.” Mikey laughed.

Gerard kneels to look him in the eyes, “That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back....Dead!”

“You know, he's right.” Frank nodded catching on, looking back at Mikey, “You look awful. Do you want to sit down?”

“Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.” Gerard suggested.  
I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look,” Mikey turns his neck in a very sharp way until his head is completely sideways, “Ow! See?”

“Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.” Frank says, wondering away from the windmill.

“I'll get the firewood.” Gerard suggested, he too wondering off.

“Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes!” Mikey looks down and yelps, “I don't have any toes!” Mikey sniffles, “I think I need a hug.”

By Sunset, Frank has built a fire and is cooking the rest of dinner while Gerard eats.

“Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?” Gerard mumbles around some meat.

Frank will cook it, but he won't eat it, “Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style.”

“Huh! No kidding. Well, this is delicious.” Gerard shook his head and continued on eating. Gerard looks at Duloc and sighs, “I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.

“Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare- you name it!” Frank said, perhaps sounding a little too hopeful.

Gerard smiles anyway, brushing his hair behind his eyes, “I'd like that.”

They smiles at each other.

“Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.” Mikey sighs sitting between them both and resting his head on their shoulders.

Gerard jumps up in shock, “Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.” He stutters, standing up and walking swiftly over to the windmill.

“What?” Frank asks frowning, standing up ready to follow Gerard.

“Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?” Mikey smirked at his brother.

Gerard stuttered out a “Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.”

“Don't feel bad, Gerard. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until-, Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.” Mikey panicked 

Frank sighs, and shakes his head at Mikey.

“Good night.” Gerard calls.

Frank turns, “Good night.” He calls out longingly.

Gerard goes inside the windmill and closes the door. Mikey looks at Frank with a new eye, “Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.”

“Oh, what are you talkin' about?” Frank asks innocently, looking out as the sun falls below the horizon.

“I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.” Mikey smirked at Frank.

“You're crazy. I'm just bringing him back to Bert.” Frank could feel his palms sweating.

“Oh, come on, Frank. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell him how you feel.” Mikey smiles.

Frank was at a loss for words, “I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell him that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - he's a prince, and I'm-”

“An ogre?” Mikey offered 

Frank sighed, “Yeah. An ogre.” Frank stood up, and with his head bowed he walked towards the forest.

“Hey, where you goin'?” Mikey shouted.

“To get... move firewood.” Frank sighed, walking off into the darkness.

Mikey looks over at the large pile of firewood there already is, and makes up his mind of what he has got to do.

Mikey opens the door to the Windmill and walks in. Gerard is nowhere to be seen, “Gerard? Yo! Gerard! Gerard? Where you at?”

Gerard looks at Mikey from the shadows, but he can't see him.

“It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.” Mikey shouted.

Suddenly Gerard falls from the railing. He gets up quickly and looks at Mikey, only he doesn't look like himself. He looks like an ogre and Mikey starts freaking out.

“Aah!” Mikey screams.

Gerard rushes to Mikey, “Oh, no!”

“No, help!” Mikey screams as the ogre approaches him.

“Shh!” Gerard tries to shh him.

“Frank! Frank! Frank!” Mikey belows.

“No, it's okay. It's okay.” Gerard calms.

“What did you do with Gerard?” Mikey accuses, stepping forward to stare down the ogre.

“Mikey, I'm Gerard. It's me, in this body.” Gerard tries to explain, waving his hands around like crazy.

“Oh, my God! You ate the Gerard” Mikey looks at the ogre's stomach, “Can you hear me? Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!” Turning his head back to the door of the windmill, Mikey shouted again, “Frank! Frank! Frank!”

“This is me.” Gerard explains, Mikey looks into his eyes as he pets his muzzle, and he quiets down, “I'm ugly, okay?”

“Well, yeah!” Mikey guffaws, “Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Frank those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now-”

“No.” Gerard shakes his head, “I-'ve been this way as long as I can remember.”

“What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.” Mikey looks back in his memory from when he and Gerard were kids.

“It only happens when sun goes down. 'By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form'." Gerard spoke softly.

“Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.” Mikey smiled up at Gerard.

“It's a spell.” Gerard sighed, “When we were little, a witch cast a spell on us. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord of Emo tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this,” Gerard began to cry, “Same for you Mikey, the curse will only break for the both of us when I find true love, as the heir to the throne, the witch gave me this responsibility.”

“All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Frank's ugly 24-7.” Mikey said, twisting his face in a grimace, “Anyway, I don't mind being a donkey. Its fun! I can honestly say that I am the only talking donkey!”

“But Mikey,” Gerard sniffled, “I'm a going to be kind one day, and this is not how a king is meant to look.”

“Gerard, how 'bout if you don't marry Bert?” Mikey suggested.

“I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.” Gerard cried.

“But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Frank- well, you got a lot in common.” Mikey hinted.

“Frank?” Gerard smiled.

 

Outside Frank is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in his hand, talking to himself, “Gerard, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and- well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd-uh, uh...”Gerard sighs, “I'm in trouble....Okay, here we go.” Frank took a deep breath.

Frank walks up to the door and pauses outside when he hears Mikey and Gerard talking.  
“I can't just marry whoever I want.” Gerard's muffled voice replied, “Take a good look at me, Mikey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "prince" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Frank.”

Frank steps back in shock, his heart breaking from what he can gere Gerard say about him.

“My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.” Gerard speaks inside.

Frank heaves a deep sigh. He throws the flower down and walks away.

Inside Gerard looks to Mikey, “Don't you see, Mikey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.”

“You at least gotta tell Frank the truth.” Mikey wondered.

Gerard gasped, “No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.”

“What's the point of being able to be a talking donkey if you gotta keep secrets?” Mikey rolled his eyes.

“Promise you won't tell. Promise!” Gerard pleaded, grabbing the fur on Mikeys shoulders.

“All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should.” Mikey sighs and goes outside, “I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin'.”

Gerard comes out the door and watches him walk away. He looks down and spots the sunflower. He picks it up before going back inside the windmill.

 

In the Morning Mikey is asleep. Frank is nowhere to be seen. Gerard is still awake. he is plucking petals from the sunflower. “I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him.” Gerard quickly runs to the door and goes outside, “Frank! Frank, there's something I want...” Gerard looks and sees the rising sun, and as the sun crests the sky he turns back into a human. Just as he looks back at the sun he sees Frank stomping towards him, “Frank. Are you all right?”

“Perfect! Never been better.” Frank huffs, avoiding eye-contact with Gerard

“I-I don't- There's something I have to tell you.” Gerard starts.

Frank looks down to the ground, to broken hearted to look into Gerard's eyes. “You don't have to tell me anything, prince. I heard enough last night.”

“You heard what I said?” Gerard gasped in shock.

“Every word” Frank said monotonously.

Gerard was near tears, “I thought you'd understand.”

Frank snorted, “Oh, I understand. Like you said, 'Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?'”

Gerard had tears streaming down his face now, “But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.”

“Yeah? Well, it does.” Gerard looks at him in shock. He looks past him and spots a group approaching, “Ah, right on time. Prince, I've brought you a little something.”

Bert has arrived with a group of his men. He looks very regal sitting up on his horse. You would never guess that he's only like three foot tall. Mikey wakes up with a yawn as the soldiers march by, “What'd I miss? What'd I miss?” as he spots the soldiers he goes quiet.

“Prince Gerard!” Bert exclaims, looking down at Gerard's shocked expresion.

Frank still looked at the floor, lifting his face only to look up at Bert “As promised. Now hand it over.”

“Very well, ogre, Bert holds out a piece of paper towards Frank, “The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed. Take it and go before I change my mind.” Frank takes the paper, “Forgive me, prince, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before, I'm Lord of Emo.

Gerard startled, “Lord Bert? Oh, no, no.” Bert snaps his fingers, “Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short...” Gerard watches as Bert is lifted off his horse and set down in front of him. He comes to him waist, “farewell.”

“Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre. It's not like it has feelings.” Bert laughed.

“No, you're right. It doesn't.” Gerard agreed, looking at Frank, one final time.

Mikey watches this exchange with a curious look on his face.

“Prince Gerard, beautiful, fair, flawless Gerard. I ask your hand in marriage.” Bert kneels.

“Lord Bert, I accept. Nothing would make-” Gerard was cut off by Bert interrupting.

“Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!” Bert exclaims.

Gerard began to fret, “No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.”

Bert smirks, “Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Thre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!”A guard helps puts Gerard on the back of his horse, and then they were gone.

“Frank, what are you doing? You're letting him get away.” Mikey shouts.

Frank huffs, “Yeah? So what?”

“Frank, there's something about him you don't know. Look, I talked to him last night, he's -” Mikey tried to explain.

“I know you talked to him last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow him home?” Frank snapped.

“Frank, I- I wanna go with you.” Mikey said in confusion to why Frank was acting this way.

“I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking Donkeys!” Frank turned his back to Mikey.

“But I thought-” Mikey whimpered.

“Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong!” Frank snapped, storming off down the hill.

That day was an unusual day, Frank arrived back home, finding the quiet of his home lonely. Gerard being fitted for a wedding dress. Mikey at a stream running into the Ray, and telling her that what they had was special, not wanting to let his love go like his brother let his go. 

]Frank is eating dinner when he hears a sound outside. He goes outside to investigate, “Mikey?” Mikey ignores him and continues with what he's doing, “What are you doing?”

“I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.” Mikey explained to Frank, matter-of-fact, as he continued placing rocks on the ground.

“Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.” Frank was tired of arguing.

“It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.” Mikey pointed out, “I helped rescue Gerard. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.”

“This is my swamp!” Frank yells.

Mikey growled, “Our swamp.”

“Stubborn jackass!” Frank shouts.

“Smelly ogre.” Mikey threw back. “You know, with you it's always, 'Me, me, me!' Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.”

“Oh, yeah?” Frank laughed, “Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?”

“Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!” Mikey yelled back.  
“Oh, yeah. You're right, Mikey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!” Frank marches into the outhouse and slams the door.

“Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.” Mikey mock cried.

“Go away!” Frank groaned.

“There you are, doing it again just like you did to Gerard. All he ever do was like you, maybe even love you.” Mikey shouted.

“ Love me? he said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking.” Frank yelled back, angry tears threatening to fall.

Mikey sighed, “He wasn't talkin' about you. he was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.”

Frank opens the door and comes out, “He wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was he talking about?”

Looking at Gerard's frowning face, Mikey didn't know what to say “Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything.You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?”

“Mikey!” Frank pleaded.

“No!” Mikey shook his head.

“Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?” Frank sighed, “I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me?”

Mikey smiled, “Hey, that's what friends are for, right?”

“Right, Friends. So, um, what did Gerard say about me?” Frank asked, kicking the ground.

“What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask him?” Mikey smirked.

Frank gasped, “The wedding! We'll never make it in time!”

“Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.” Mikey whistled and looks up in time to see Ray arriving overhead and fly low enough so they can climb on.

“Mikey?” Frank asks with a raised eyebrow.

Mikey smirks, “I guess it's just my animal magnetism.” They both laugh. “All right, hop on and hold on to the 'fro. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.”

They climb aboard Ray and he takes off for Duloc.

In Duloc church, Gerard and Bert are getting married. The whole town is gathered there. “People of Duloc, we gather here today to bear witness to the union ...of our new king...”

“Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the 'I do's'?” Gerard worries about the time, the sun nearly setting.

In the courtyard, some guards are milling around. Suddenly Ray lands with a boom. The guards all take off running.

“Frank, wait! There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, 'Speak now or forever hold your peace.' That's when you say, 'I object!'” Mikey smiles.

Frank is out of breath as he calls back, “I don't have time for this!”

“Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this guy, don't you?” Mikey stares him in the eye.

“Yes.”

“You wanna hold him?” Mikey stares.

“Yes.”

“Please him?” Mikey's stare getting intense

“Yes!”

Mikey starts singing James Brown style “Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness... Gerard loves that romantic crap!”

Frank really has no time for this, he runs inside without Mikey. “I object!”

“Frank?” Gerard gasps looking at Frank as he runs up the aisle towards him. The whole congregation gasps as they see Frank.

“Oh, now what does he want?” Bert huffs.

“Gerard! I need to talk to you.” Frank breaths, grabbing Gerard's hands in his.

“Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me” Gerard sighed, facing back to Bert.

“But you can't marry him.” Frank begged.

Gerard frowned, “And why not?”

“Because- Because he's just marring you so he can be king.” Frank spat out.

Bert gasped, “Outrageous! Gerard, don't listen to him.”

“He's not your true love.” Frank pleaded, prayed Gerard would listen to him.

Gerard sighed, “And what do you know about true love?”

Frank stuttered, “Well, I- Uh- I mean- “  
Bert laughed, “Oh, this is precious. The ogre has fallen in love with the prince! Oh, good Lord.” The whole congregation laughs with him.

Gerard was serious as he looked into Frank's eyes, “Frank, is this true?”

Bert laughed “Who cares? It's preposterous! Gerard, my love, we're but a kiss away from our 'happily ever after.' Now kiss me!” he puckers his lips and leans toward Gerard, but he pulls back.

Looking at the setting sun Gerard whispers, "By night one way, by day another." He turns to Frank and says, “I wanted to show you before.” Gerard backs up and as the sun sets he changes into his ogre self, he gives Frank a sheepish smile.

“Well, uh, that explains a lot.” Frank smiles at Gerard.

Bert shrieks back, “Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!” The guards run in and separate Gerard and Frank. 

Frank fights them. “No, no!”

“Frank!” Gerard calls as the guards seize him.

“This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This ]marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?” Bert exclaims, grabbing the crown and rubbing it into his head.

“No, let go of me! Frank!” Gerard squims amongst the guard. 

Bert holds a dagger to Gerard's throat, “And as for you, Gerard... I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I'm king! I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have-” Mikey and Ray show up and Ray leans down and eats Bert, “Aaaah! Aah!”

“All right.” Mikey smiles at the congregation, “Nobody move. I got a Dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.” Ray roars, and Mikey smiles, “I'm a donkey on the edge!”

Ray belches and Bert's crown flies out of him mouth and falls to the ground.

“Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?” Mikey laughs as the congregation cheers. “Go ahead, Frank.”

“Uh, Gerard?” Frank asks, moving forward.

Gerard smiles, “Yes, Frank?”

“I - - I love you.” Frank blushes, his green skin turning a strange pink on his cheeks.

“I love you too.” Gerard smiles.

Frank leans forward, gently moulding his lips to Gerard's. Slowly, they move their lips against each other, sweet and simple, and yet both Frank and Gerard savour the kiss and long for more.

The congregation 'awe'  
As suddenly the magic of the spell pulls Gerard away as he's lifted up into the air and he hovers there while the magic works around him.

Whispers dance along the beams of light shining from Gerard, "Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form. Take love's true form. Take love's true form."

Gerard's eyes open wide. He's consumed by the spell and then is slowly lowered to the ground.

Frank dashed over to him, “Gerard? Gerard. Are you all right?”

Slowly, Gerard stands up, he's still an ogre, “Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.” Gerard frowns, looking down at his green chubby hands.

“But you are beautiful.” Frank speaks, grasping Gerard's face in his hands.

They smile at each other, and kiss each other again.

Mikey chuckles, wiping his tears on his knees, “I was hoping this would be a happy ending.”

~

A year later in the swamp at their own wedding, Frank and Gerard are now married. 'I'm a Believer' by Smashmouth is playing in the background at the reception. 

Frank and Gerard break apart their kiss and run through the crowd to their awaiting carriage. Which is made of a giant onion. Gerard tosses his bouquet which both Cinderella and Snow White try to catch. But they end up getting into a cat fight and so Ray catches the bouquet instead. 

The Gingerbread man has been mended somewhat and now has one leg and walks with a candy cane cane. 

Frank and Gerard walk off as the rest of the guests party and Mikey takes over singing the song.

THE END


End file.
